Do or Do Not, there is No Try

Yoda - The Empire Strikes Back

They who are, are so spontaneously. They who want, in wanting stop being.

Me with drunken philosopher pants on

A couple of weeks ago my kid thought he could ride a toy car with his feet, fell on his face and broke his mouth. He started bleeding and I felt the blood was coming out of me instead, the house floor sprinkled with red and tears. We'll call this incident, Kid's Landing.

Both of his front teeth became loose, the right one almost to the point he would lose it. We're first time parents so this was overwhelming and, in a way, traumatizing. We're often scared that he will fall again and finally lose one or two of his teeth. I spend most of my time close to him aware measuring the speed at which he runs, whether he's off-balance, if he's carrying something heavy, or if something on the floor could trip him.

It's as I read somewhere, being a parent is like taking care of a person that's constantly trying to kill themselves, that's how I feel, even more so after Kid's Landing.

It paralyzed us for a few days. I took a day off from work because I wanted to take him to the dentist, and be close to him as he went through that pain. Even now, two weeks later, we're still reeling from the experience, worrying that he may still lose his tooth.

Him? A couple of hours after Kid's Landing he wanted to run again (we didn't let him yet), and was playing with us in the living room, dancing to Super Simple Songs and Plim Plim on the TV. Though my heart ached at the possibility this might scar him for the rest of his life, I was amazed.

My kid, with a swollen face that looked like he just came out of face surgery or a Botox injection gone wrong, was here, barely two hours after Kid's Landing, being a kid; playing, dancing, laughing.

growing up by being 👶

Looking at him being a kid despite that experience, it struck me that his behavior completely natural and expected. He is just a kid, first, and after everything else, a kid is what he is. He can't help it, and it doesn't need helping. Him bleeding all over the house, and us worried about his teeth, wasn't going to make him not a kid.

This sent my natural philosopher senses tingling. Us grown ups stress about our identity, our abilities or lack thereof, and our desires of fulfillment in this or that role. Impostor syndrome, it's something I hear and have experienced myself. Can my kid understand or feel that?

He can't yet wholly grasp object permanence, let alone conceptualize a psychological phenomenon as complex as self-esteem.

Nonetheless, he is happy. He was born happy. I came to the realization that my responsibility to him is not to make him happy, but to allow him to stay happy, to prevent others, the world, or even myself from making him unhappy.

We haven't done anything exceptional other than allowing him to be himself as much as a toddler can be, and showing him affection when he's not so grumpy that he'll take it. Eppur si felice.

We waste our time trying to be who we think we should be, trying to achieve this or that goal to become the person we want to be, to feel realized. And yet, a kid just is, they don't have to do anything for it.

just be 👽

If you want to be a programmer, you're wanting for something that you don't identify yourself with. A kid doesn't want to be a kid, they just are. Whether they become a good or bad kid is a question of other factors, but his quality as a kid remains regardless.

Instead of wanting or trying to be a programmer, just be a programmer. Once you've convinced your brain to think of yourself as a programmer, the behaviors expected of a programmer will manifest naturally in you. Instead of telling yourself you need to do those coding exercises you've been putting off for a month, you'll wake up and you'll think, "I need to look into this minimax algo because I'm pretty sure I can make it more efficient in my program."

Instead of thinking about studying later, and later, you'll gravitate to your studies, just like you do to water when you're thirsty. Hearing someone talk about software, or a topic adjacent to your studies (be it in person, video, or otherwise), will trigger you to dig deeper into research and personal development.

Full Disclosure: I didn't come up with these ideas, others said it first and better. For example, James Clear has a great book called Atomic Habits where he touches on this concept. Still, it wasn't as apparent and normalized to me until I experienced these things; seeing my kid just being who he is regardless of the circumstance, when thinking as if I am a programmer opened so many doors for me, both intellectually and professionally.

Yoda said it plainly:

Do or Do not, there is no Try

I am extrapolating his call to action to a call to being:

Be or Be Not, there is no Want

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